Yes, faithful readers, it's here at last ! The perfect stocking-filler !
Can't find the book that will correspond to the reading tastes of your nearest and dearest ?
Worried that Amazon isn't keeping its wish-lists properly updated and that every member of your family is going to receive four copies each of Da Vinci Code Decoded : The Truth Behind the New York Times Number One Bestseller (as well as three of Unlocking the Da Vinci Code and, rather confusingly, two of Da Vinci Decoded : Discovering the Spiritual Secrets of Leonardo's Seven Principles) ?
Fret no more !
For just $99.99 (not including post & packaging, local duties, VAT, etc.) the Paternal Optimist can offer you, here, an exclusive copy (photocopied on the PO's personal machine, and dedicated with a message from the PO of your choice) of 2005's first must-read tome - the Boy Wonder's Christmas Quarter Report.
We can guarantee that you won't find it on Amazon (at least not until the PO has negotiated a better deal). Hurry and place your order while stocks last ! [Disclaimer : please note that delivery before Christmas cannot be guaranteed]
Here are some examples of what the critics said about this destined-to-be-seminal text :
Excellent. [Head of Gryffindor]
[...] An outstanding set of reports. Thorough, bright and enthusiastic, [the Boy Wonder] is just the kind of student for whom teachers wish. [Tutor's Report]
Any Englandish parent would be proud of a child who had achievified so much. PS Can I borrow his Geographicacity notes ? [George W. Bush]
Fo' shizzle, my nizzle. [Snoop Dogg]
And here are some exclusive extracts from the report itself :
Maths (2A) : "[...] Examination mark : 95% [...] Excellent classwork, [...] thoughtful contributions in class discussions. [The BW] must not rush and must get into the habit of checking his answers thoroughly."
Science (1B) : "Trying hard and keen in class. [...] Coming along nicely."
English (2B) : "A perceptive and subtle thinker who works hard. [The BW is] articulate and measured for his age. Imaginative, accurate and well-expressed stories. I particularly enjoyed his excellent (and scurrilous) piece comparing a teacher to a rat."
Hang on a minute ! The BW wrote a piece comparing a teacher to a rat ?! And I was worried when I accused teachers of being perverse. I look forward to hearing him explain that little theory to Missy and The Principal...
French (3B) : "Participation in class has not gone unnoticed [...] he has expressed himself with a degree of precision. [...] On paper he is a strong candidate."
Latin (2B) : "[The BW] is extremely confident in Latin, and justifiably so. He has a very firm grasp of the grammer, and can apply it fluently and accurately to a translation. I was particularly impressed with his 46/46 in this section of the recent test. I hope this will give them the confidence to speak out more in class, as he has a scholarly and positive approach which would benefit the set enormously."
And so the riddle-wrapped-in-an-enigma-rolled-up-in-a-mystery that is the Boy Wonder continues to bemuse us : after four reports praising his contribution in class, we come to the subject in which his academic achievements are arguably the greatest (46 out of 46, I ask you), and find a teacher saying that he should speak up more. Ah well...
Geography (2B) : "Progress has been rapid. All bodes well."
History (2B) : "Able to answer difficult questions with a developing insight and a relatively broad historical knowledge. I would like to see him put himself into the spotlight a little more as he has plenty more to give than he offers but this may improve as his confidence in the subject develops. Next Quarter we are going to analyse History in a more adult fashion and I think this should suit his intellect."
There's that contradiction again. But I like the last sentence. Did I ever say how much of a thrill it gives me to hear other people - professional teachers who know about these things - say what I have always thought, but have secretly feared was just the natural pride of a Paternal Optimist ?
ICT (3C) : "[...] experimenting with the powerful graphics facilities of Word."
The powerful graphics facilities of Word ? Come again ? But back to the bipolar schizophrenic that is my son :
Religious Studies (2B) : "His enthusiasm, his curiosity, and his willingness to argue a case help to make class discussions lively and enriching for other pupils. [...] However, [the BW] does struggle to transfer this excellence to paper."
Design and Technology (2B) : "Gets on with it happily. His first project is as yet unfinished but it reveals care and manual dexterity."
Drama (3C) : "Has a pleasing nature and is gracious with his peers. Has shown insight in his interpretation of given tasks and works collaboratively in class. Always polite and obliging. I hope to see him take a more proactive role, where his skills will flourish."
Music (1A) : "Has managed to write pieces that one would not expect from a first year pupil. [...] I have been delighted with the sound made by the whole [class]. They are by far the best group of singers that I have come across in quite a few years."
Art (2B) : "Has chosen a rather difficult design, but is taking his time over it and is painting it very carefully. Works quite independently in lessons."
Piano (A) : "[...] thoroughly prepared[...], worked hard. He is developing a good critical ear with excellent attention to detail."
PE (3C) : "An attentive pupil who listens and takes on new ideas before trying to put them into his performance. I would like to see him push himself slightly harder and not allow others to do most of the work."
A little curmudgeonly, that final comment, it seems to me. Particularly as the BW has far from disgraced himself on the sporting front this term. As his Tutor puts it rather charmingly in his report :
"Maths, English and Music seem to be particular strengths. Winning the Cross Country and playing for the A team for football show that he is an able sportsman too, although Rugby is perhaps not his thing at the moment."
Perhaps the Boy Wonder, not unlike his father, sometimes enjoys the independence of individual sports, just as he often appreciates the opportunity to work on his own. But I know that on other occasions, like me, he appreciates absolutely the thrill of team and group activities. And if he is anything like the PO, he will grow to love the team experience more and more as he grows older.
So there you have it. I won't embarrass the BW any more by saying how proud I am of him - I'll keep that for a quiet telephone call.
It seems hard to believe that the BW's first full term at Hogwarts is over. Or at least, it seemed hard to believe until this morning, when, with impeccable timing, the bill for next term arrived...
Comments