The Paternal Optimist

There's Good News and Bad News

The Good News :

• The Boy Wonder scored a superb 254 out of 300 in his Grade V viola exam, thereby earning the mention Honours
• The BW came 4th overall (first and second years combined) and 1st amongst first-year pupils in some jolly Hogwarts jog over two and a half kilometres this week, thus confirming his status as leading long-distance runner in his year

The Bad News :

• The BW earned a pink slip, Hogwarts' equivalent of a yellow card, in Science this week for eating in class (naturally, he claims innocence - he was chewing some anti-ulcer pastille). Let's hope that the teacher concerned doesn't decide to mark him down fro the 1A he scored at half-term to, say, a 3B or a 2C at the end of term, as we wouldn't want the BW to lose out on any CDs, would we ?
• The BW's loyal companion, Rodney the rat (sibling to Wilbur), is apparently on his last legs. Doctors have given him a week to live. Despite the wintry conditions, crowds of devoted followers are said to be congregating in the Mother Superior's garden, hoping for a final glimpse of the revered rodent.

The PO's Patented Grade Predictor

This weekend, a little later than expected, the Boy Wonder's Easter Quarter Report finally arrived from Hogwarts. As is so often the case in such situations, there is good news and less good news.

The good news is that this is certainly the best report the BW has received since he began at Hogwarts. He is understandably particularly proud of his 1A in Science, his first top grade in a purely academic subject (he previously scored one in Music).

The slightly disappointing news is that his teachers are showing clear signs of mid-year fatigue (not, I presume, exclusively as a consequence of the BW's presence in their classes, though I am prepared to admit that that might be a contributing factor), a tiredness which has manifested itself primarily in a mass retreat into the familiar old clichés of school report writing ("making good progress", "continues to work well", etc.) and a relative paucity in the creative turn of phrase department. 

The History teacher's comment that the BW "has a sharp mind and a nice turn of phrase" naturally provoked a smile and a nod of the recognition from the PO (accompanied by a small but unmistakable swell of pride ). The Master of Music's statement that "his compositions have been excellent and well above the standard expected at this stage in the course" and that of his colleague from the English department to the effect that the BW "reads with sensitivity" were equally well-received.  Indeed, the overall tone of the report is undeniably positive.

Nevertheless, there is little here to excite the keen connoisseur of teacherspeak , and the PO has to admit that even he almost missed the only true gem hidden amongst the lines of standard banalities - a gem, moreover, that he would most likely never have recognised for its true rarity value, had he not the misfortune to have a teacher for a sister and an ex-teacher for a mother. Had he not spent years listening to their nightly complaints, he would surely not have been sensitive to the blatant lack of credibility in the following comment from the BW's Maths teacher :

Classwork and preps are a delight to mark.

As any fule kno, no teacher worth his or her salt will knowingly waste an opportunity to complain about marking. And while an old-timer, ground down by years of mind-numbing routine, might perhaps lack the energy to give voice to his dislike of marking, no-one will convince me that any teacher, however young and idealistic, will ever admit to actually enjoying marking, whatever the undoubted merits of the BW's preps. So, what, the PO asks, is the Maths teacher playing at ? I think we should be told.

Of course, this report was the third in a series that has tracked the Boy Wonder's performance since his arrival at Hogwarts. And as we all know, three is the minimum sample size on which statisticians (or was it liars ? I forget) are prepared to present scientifically reliable predictions. So, without any further ado, here are the PO's predictions for the BW's next set of grades :

[Note : for each subject, the last three grades are listed, followed by the tendency perceived by the PO]

Art  (3C - 2B - 3B; variable) 2B
DT (2B - 2B - 2B; stable) 2B
Drama (3C - 3C - 2B; rising slowly) 2B
English (2B - 2B - 2B; moderate) 2B
French (3C - 3B - 3B;  occasional bright spells) 2B
Geography (3C - 2B - 2B; moderate or good) 2B
History (3C - 2B -  2B; rain, perhaps wintry in East) 2B
ICT (3C - 3C - 3C; cyclonic 5 or 6, becoming Northeasterly) 2B
Latin (1B - 2B - 2B; 5 decreasing 3 for a time) 2B
Maths (2B - 2A - 2B; moderate or good) 2B
Music (2A - 1A - 1B; gale soon) 2B
PE (2B - 3C - 3C;  perhaps gale 8 in Fisher later) 2B
RS (3B - 2B - 2A;  violent storm in Cromarty soon) 2B
Science (2B - 1B - 1A;  hurricane force in Forties imminent) 2B

Now, the more eagle-eyed amongst you may have noticed that the PO's Patented Grade Predictor has forecast the same grade in every subject. This may seem statistically unlikely, but the PO's predictions are not about statistical likelihood, they are about hard scientific fact - I could go on here at great length about the complex normalisation algorithm used to reach these results, but - no offence intended, I assure you - most of you would probably find it pretty difficult to follow.

What the BW, on the other hand, should have no trouble following is this Patented PO Platinum-Plated Pledge :

• For every subject in which the BW scores a 2B or better in his next Hogwarts report, the PO will buy him one CD of his choice.
• However, for every grade lower than 2B, the BW will forfeit one CD.
• Thus if the BW scores 7 2Bs or above and 7 grades below 2B, the net result will be zero, and he will receive no CDs.
• However, every 2B or better after the 7th is worth 2 CDs (8 minus 6 equals 2; 9-5=4; 10-4=6, etc.)
• And of course, if he scores 6 2Bs or fewer, the BW will have to prise open his wallet and start adding to the PO's CD collection...

By my reckoning, on the basis of his most recent report, the BW would have scored no fewer than six CDs (10 minus 4). The question is : is he up to the challenge ?

And In Other News...

I've been a bit neglectful of this site recently - a belated thank you in passing to the Surfer Dude, who has done his best to keep it ticking over with a very cute small child attempts to make quite natural correlation between size of space and name given to dwelling story - so here's a very brief overview of what I've failed to report over the last couple of weeks :

• To the best of the PO's knowledge (which as we all know is entirely dependent on the BW's capricious shall-I-shan't-I divulgence logic), the BW didn't win the reading competition
• He did, however, perform admirably in his Grade V viola exam, the result of which should arrive imminently
• The Miscellaneous Other Parents took Young Mr Hoskins to swanky old Verbier for a few days skiing at half-term (I heard from colleagues who were there at the time that conditions were great and there was hardly anyone around). Before going, they sent the PO a charming e-mail in which they made some most complimentary remarks about the BW and suggested a joint skiing trip next year, which seems to the PO to be a Most Excellent Idea
• The BW, Button and Schmoo didn't go skiing for half-term; nor did they go to Cornwall as originally planned
• They did, however, spend a day with the Principal last week, which she appreciated enormously
• Upon Young Mr Hoskins' return from the Alps, he and the BW attacked the rock block and assault course at Rutland Water before heading to the mighty metropolis that is Peterborough, where they had a Starbucks and bought up half the local record store (amongst the purchases mentioned during my conversation with the BW were The Libertines, The Killers and Kasabian).
• Unfortunately, they then blew any street cred they had accumulated by losing (twice) at ten pin bowling to the Mother Superior.

So there you have it. Now you know as much as the PO does. In future I shall try to keep more up to date, I promise.

Hmmm...

How to make a Paternal Optimist

Ingredients: 3 parts success 5 parts brilliance 2 parts ego 1 part superstition

Method: Layer ingredients in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lustfulness.

How to make a Boy Wonder

Ingredients: 1 part competitiveness 1 part self-sufficiency 5 parts empathy 3 parts vagueness

Method: Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add a little caring if desired.

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Thank Goodness For MSN

That's the Mother Superior Newsfeed, in case there was any doubt.

A conversation with La Mère Supérieure yesterday revealed some interesting information, most of which had clearly not met the Boy Wonder's stringent dissemination criteria (1 - Is it something my father might be interested to know ? 2 - Can I be bothered to say it ? 3 - What was the first question again ?) . Amongst other things, I learned that :

• The BW is participating in a piano masterclass this evening
• He played two football matches last week (one a 7-0 defeat - boo - the other a 4-1 victory - hurrah) for the U-13 C team (apparently he is furious about his demotion, which the Mother Superior speculates may not be unconnected to the recent infamous boot incident)
• Young Mr Hoskins scored a spectacular victory in the Junior Brass category of the Hogwarts music competition - the PO sends him the heartiest of belated congratulations
• The BW will be performing in the reading competition tomorrow (as of yesterday at midday he had yet to select a passage to read)
• On March 13th, Hogwarts will be holding a parents' morning - yes, dear reader, that means that the PO will have the opportunity not only to collect more juicy insights into the Boy Wonder's academic performance and general behaviour, but also to examine at close quarters the teachers who have kept us so richly entertained over the last term and a half with their unique brand of humorous doublespeak - you may rest assured that I shall report back with detailed warts-and-all descriptions and spare no opportunity to satirize those who would dare speak in anything other than the most glowing terms of the BW.

To be fair to the lad, the BW has had other things on his mind this week, as he will be taking his Grade V viola exam tomorrow afternoon, and has dedicated every waking moment not already taken up with study, philosophical reflection or silent prayer to practising his scales.

Unfortunately, the reading competition takes place immediately after his exam.

Fortunately, he has a week's rest to look forward to very soon : next week, Hogwarts will be shutting its doors for the half-term/mid-quarter break, and the BW will be able to put his feet up and relax.

The Paternal Optimist Welcomes Button And...Er, Some Art

The PO wishes a very warm welcome to the Boy Wonder's lovely sister, Button, who makes her very first appearance in person in the newly added Boy Wonder : Yearbook 2005, where you will find a photograph of the siblings, sitting on The Principal's sofa, smiling sweetly and clutching their Aladdin programmes, on the covers of which can be seen the scrawled signature of Sir Ian McKellen.

Many thanks to the Principal for the picture.

Also new in the right-hand sidebar is a link to the world-renowned photographic cycle, The Foot and the Boy Wonder, which, I'm sure you'll agree, requires no introduction.