This weekend, a little later than expected, the Boy Wonder's Easter Quarter Report finally arrived from Hogwarts. As is so often the case in such situations, there is good news and less good news.
The good news is that this is certainly the best report the BW has received since he began at Hogwarts. He is understandably particularly proud of his 1A in Science, his first top grade in a purely academic subject (he previously scored one in Music).
The slightly disappointing news is that his teachers are showing clear signs of mid-year fatigue (not, I presume, exclusively as a consequence of the BW's presence in their classes, though I am prepared to admit that that might be a contributing factor), a tiredness which has manifested itself primarily in a mass retreat into the familiar old clichés of school report writing ("making good progress", "continues to work well", etc.) and a relative paucity in the creative turn of phrase department.
The History teacher's comment that the BW "has a sharp mind and a nice turn of phrase" naturally provoked a smile and a nod of the recognition from the PO (accompanied by a small but unmistakable swell of pride ). The Master of Music's statement that "his compositions have been excellent and well above the standard expected at this stage in the course" and that of his colleague from the English department to the effect that the BW "reads with sensitivity" were equally well-received. Indeed, the overall tone of the report is undeniably positive.
Nevertheless, there is little here to excite the keen connoisseur of teacherspeak , and the PO has to admit that even he almost missed the only true gem hidden amongst the lines of standard banalities - a gem, moreover, that he would most likely never have recognised for its true rarity value, had he not the misfortune to have a teacher for a sister and an ex-teacher for a mother. Had he not spent years listening to their nightly complaints, he would surely not have been sensitive to the blatant lack of credibility in the following comment from the BW's Maths teacher :
Classwork and preps are a delight to mark.
As any fule kno, no teacher worth his or her salt will knowingly waste an opportunity to complain about marking. And while an old-timer, ground down by years of mind-numbing routine, might perhaps lack the energy to give voice to his dislike of marking, no-one will convince me that any teacher, however young and idealistic, will ever admit to actually enjoying marking, whatever the undoubted merits of the BW's preps. So, what, the PO asks, is the Maths teacher playing at ? I think we should be told.
Of course, this report was the third in a series that has tracked the Boy Wonder's performance since his arrival at Hogwarts. And as we all know, three is the minimum sample size on which statisticians (or was it liars ? I forget) are prepared to present scientifically reliable predictions. So, without any further ado, here are the PO's predictions for the BW's next set of grades :
[Note : for each subject, the last three grades are listed, followed by the tendency perceived by the PO]
Art (3C - 2B - 3B; variable) 2B
DT (2B - 2B - 2B; stable) 2B
Drama (3C - 3C - 2B; rising slowly) 2B
English (2B - 2B - 2B; moderate) 2B
French (3C - 3B - 3B; occasional bright spells) 2B
Geography (3C - 2B - 2B; moderate or good) 2B
History (3C - 2B - 2B; rain, perhaps wintry in East) 2B
ICT (3C - 3C - 3C; cyclonic 5 or 6, becoming Northeasterly) 2B
Latin (1B - 2B - 2B; 5 decreasing 3 for a time) 2B
Maths (2B - 2A - 2B; moderate or good) 2B
Music (2A - 1A - 1B; gale soon) 2B
PE (2B - 3C - 3C; perhaps gale 8 in Fisher later) 2B
RS (3B - 2B - 2A; violent storm in Cromarty soon) 2B
Science (2B - 1B - 1A; hurricane force in Forties imminent) 2B
Now, the more eagle-eyed amongst you may have noticed that the PO's Patented Grade Predictor has forecast the same grade in every subject. This may seem statistically unlikely, but the PO's predictions are not about statistical likelihood, they are about hard scientific fact - I could go on here at great length about the complex normalisation algorithm used to reach these results, but - no offence intended, I assure you - most of you would probably find it pretty difficult to follow.
What the BW, on the other hand, should have no trouble following is this Patented PO Platinum-Plated Pledge :
- For every subject in which the BW scores a 2B or better in his next Hogwarts report, the PO will buy him one CD of his choice.
- However, for every grade lower than 2B, the BW will forfeit one CD.
- Thus if the BW scores 7 2Bs or above and 7 grades below 2B, the net result will be zero, and he will receive no CDs.
- However, every 2B or better after the 7th is worth 2 CDs (8 minus 6 equals 2; 9-5=4; 10-4=6, etc.)
- And of course, if he scores 6 2Bs or fewer, the BW will have to prise open his wallet and start adding to the PO's CD collection...
By my reckoning, on the basis of his most recent report, the BW would have scored no fewer than six CDs (10 minus 4). The question is : is he up to the challenge ?
It is indeed a regrettable fact that report writing loses its appeal and thus its inspiration as the academic year wears on, no doubt exacerbated by the now regulation half-term reports which add to the chores.
However, at least Hogwarts has avoided the suffocating blandness of the computerised comment bank, which was fashionable in the 90's and no doubt still exists in schools which pride themselves, however erroneously, on their business-like and technological efficiency. Quite apart from the tedium of having to draw all ones comments from the prescribed bank, the orthodoxy at that time was that reports should consist almost entirely of positive statements as in "This term the BW has studied the Babylonians. He has learned how to draw the Hanging Gardens. He has tried hard to understand why he needs to study these." Yes, well? So what? Is this good or bad? In other words, neither illuminating nor helpful to child or parent and certainly not calculated to inspire the teacher to analyse the child's potential or actual achievements either.
Fortunately when my school got manouevred down this route under the pressure to be 'cutting edge' I was able, as Principal, to carry on writing my own brief but I hope pithy comments, albeit only after wading through all the meaningless can-do statements dutifully typed in by each student's subject teachers.
I seem to remember having most fun report-writing years before when teaching a particularly bright but arrogant cohort of students whose parents, like the PO, relished a nifty turn of phrase and were not averse to coming up at Parents' Evening to say how much they had enjoyed my more caustic comments. The more the comments effectively 'skewered' their sons the better they liked them and they were certainly a lot more fun to write.
I suspect the BW's teachers will warm to their subject as he gets older, so let us hope we have plenty of gems to look forward to in the future.
Posted by: The Principal | February 22, 2005 at 06:17 PM